Of all the conflict styles that people chose, avoidance is the most puzzling to partners, family members and co-workers. The lack of engagement stems from fear of being wrong, concern about the relationship, fear of retaliation, or just general nervousness. For these folks, conflict is the ultimate scary thing, and they really just hope that it will go away!
Here are some creative things you can try:
· Use a calm, supportive tone of voice and demeanor (remember, they are frightened).
· Give the avoider time to formulate his or her ideas.
· Make the environment as non-threatening as possible (don’t try to “trap” them in a car, or office with close quarters).
· Frame the conversation as relationship building --“There is something you could do that would help our relationship” or “Our project really needs some help. Would you be willing to chat with me about x? “ (Don’t say “we need to talk”) .
· Set protective ground rules (“if you will talk to me about it, I promise I won’t raise my voice”).
· Minimize the issue (“I have one small thing I would like to get clear.”
· Share your perceptions as just that, “From my side it seems that….how do you experience it?”
· Focus on behaviors, use no personality labels (“when I want to talk about finances, you tend to leave the room. What can I do to get your help on these financial issues?”)
· Change the mode—write letters, do it through e-mail, orient your body away from them so you aren’t so threatening, try any supportive change of pace.
· Use food to help put them at ease—share lunch, have coffee together.
· Ask for third party help, a group facilitator or mediator, but not someone high in authority over them.
· Have a set time to discuss issues so they can prepare.
· Take the pressure off them, “I’m having trouble with this issue, could you help me with it?”
· Be patient!